How to: Procrastinate
It’s 2017, it’s a new year and a new you! Here’s how to procrastinate on all of your most important assignments in the new year!
The first step is to forget all deadlines. Now, at first this seems like an easy task, all you need to do is forget. But, forgetting actually takes a lot of work. In order to forget you must not write down the assignment deadline in your notes, it also helps if you are traditionally bad at forgetting your agenda or planner or if your phone is dead and you can’t write it down there either.
Step two, get distracted. This can be done by opening Twitter instead of the Google document you need to be in. This step can be done in many different ways depending on the person. Go out with your friends! Clean your entire house! Learn a new skill! Binge watch your favorite TV show! Let the ideas of school and assignments slip away until you completely forget that you are even enrolled in a single university class, let alone one with due dates.
Step three, forget the concept of time itself. Nothing helps with forgetting deadlines like learning that time itself is a social construct. As Professor Allen Bluedorn says, “What any group of people think about time ends up being a result of them interacting with each other and socialization processes.”
Step four, convince yourself that you do your best work under pressure. Once you have noticed that you haven’t handed in an assignment on time you need to at least pump yourself up a little bit.
Step five, finish your assignment late. This can be done by heading to your local coffee shop or nearest library and forcing yourself to work. Buy yourself a tea, sit down, and prepare to do the work that could have been spread out over days or at least hours at a time all at once. Maybe bring a friend along so you have someone to keep you accountable. The crushing realization that you are already late should give you the guidance and extra push you may need in order to work effectively.
The final step is to beg for forgiveness. You must actively attempt to hand all assignments in on time in the future. This can be done by planning ahead, finishing projects before due dates and using that expensive agenda you bought yourself. Hopefully, your professor understands and in the future, you can work towards being a better student and handing in assignments on time.